July 2008, aged 25, I fell pregnant by surprise with Aurora. She stayed with me for only 6 weeks. I lost her in the shower with my poor mother watching. I was forced to move on from this quickly as I was maid of honor only 2 weeks after, so it was a case of chin up and soldier on and don’t be an attention seeker.
April 2009, whilst in a mentally and sexually abusive relationship, I was given Taylah. She only stayed 8 weeks. I’d made a decision only a week before I was going to raise her on my own, which I would have done damn well. But it was not to be. I was 2000k’s from my family and friends and had to pack up my belongings on my own and make the hike back home with a severely broken heart.
After I lost Taylah, I had many complications. Long term infection, multiple ovarian cysts including ruptures, thyroid problems, and all on top of my already chronic IBS and kidney disease. I wasn’t ovulating regularly either so the chances of me falling were so minimal we decided not to bother with contraception. And somewhere deep inside me, I hoped that the “accident” would happen anyways. And it did.
May 2011 the good Lord sent me Josiah. I braced myself and did everything I could to make my little gift stay. I was still suffering depression from losing Taylah so my hopes weren’t set high, but I talked myself into positive thoughts each day, took my vitamins, ate healthy, and exercised every day in the hope that I would be able to hold on to him. He left me at exactly 6 weeks. I was due to have a scan the following day to make sure all was well. I tried Reiki therapy the night I was losing him, I prayed to Jesus and my Guardian Angel to please let him stay. I begged and pleaded but nothing worked. Within 24hrs, all that showed on my scan was a mass sitting at the bottom of my cervix. They asked me to empty my bladder so we could continue the scan further. I had to flush my third angel down a foreign toilet.
My doctor finally decided it was time to see a fertility specialist. I’ve had all the rounds done. No answers. The closest to an answer I’ve come is receiving a letter in the mail after having a blood test done to see what type I am. I am Rh Negative. My own body is killing my babies. I haven’t been back to see the specialist since because I’m too damn angry. Why did they never ask me before what blood type I was? Why do they only bother with you once you’ve suffered 2 or more losses?
I’ve never seen my angels on a screen. I’ve only felt their presence. I’ve only seen the proof on a stick. I’m the only one who truly recognizes them as being alive and real. Nobody in my life knows my pain. Nobody realizes I count the days to their due dates, or the days to their wing growing day.
Loneliness is something I will have to deal with. Not even the psychologist has an answer for me.
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp. He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you. God our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen.
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