Happy Birthday Aurora

Today was meant to be my big girls 3rd birthday. I lost her before the 12wk mark, just like the other two. I didn't want to get out of bed. It took me until 11:30am to drag myself out of the bedroom. I didn't shower. I didn't change my clothes. I didn't do anything. Literally. I sat on the lounge and sulked all day.

I'm tired of waiting for something to go right. I'm tired of being the only one that cares. Why can't I have what I want so badly?

Each day that passes I can feel myself becoming more and more angry with the world I am currently living in. Not being a part of the TTC club is making life even harder. Being with someone who isn't really focused on the same things in life is just sending me insane.

Is it right of me to hate him? I feel it bubbling under the surface more and more. Why promise me something that you know I want so dearly and then not even try to fulfil that want?

To not even mention my little girls birthday to me? To not even say anything when it was the others' birthdays?

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be with the three of them under a tree in the prettiest park ever, eating cake and giggling away. Just the four of us.

Right now in my life, it's just me. I'm in this alone and must walk it alone. No little hands to hold. No snotty noses to wipe and no dirty bums to change.

Just me.

Happy birthday in heaven Aurora. I'm sorry I wasn't happier for you today. I love you.

Which Path to Take?

At the moment I'm in the world of the unknown. I don't know where my life is headed. If you had have asked me three months ago where I thought I was going, I would have been able to tell you. I would have told you that I was preparing my body physically, and preparing my mind. We were aiming to try for a baby in six months time. If you ask me today where I think I am headed, my answer would be a simple "I don't know".

Communication is such an important tool in a relationship, without it, there is no relationship. This must be done from both sides. After all, there is no point talking to a brick wall, right? Both sides must be open and honest, they must be able to tell each other their inner most secrets, the ones that worry them. Our fears are something we share with our friends and families, so why not share them with the one you sleep next to?

I shared. I tried to communicate. I cried. I was blunt. I said what I wanted and what I needed and explained why. I asked if I was in the wrong. I asked if there was more I could do.

I can do no more.

I am not a mother to a rainbow. I am not a wife. Currently I am not anything that I wanted to be in life.

I am no longer in the deep despair of grief that I was six months ago. I am not wishing daily that I was dead just so I could be with my angels. Now I just keep wishing they were here with me so I weren't so lonely. If they were here, I'd have meaning and be valued. Not sitting in a room alone with my thoughts.

Where the hell is this all going? Where am I going? My inspiration and zest has disappeared once again. Heartbreak is so strong is eats at everything else positive in your life until there is almost no hope left.

Do I sit here and wait for the glimmer of hope? Or do I just pave myself a whole new journey and hope it works out for the best?