The Pain of Photographs

I don't normally flick through the millions of photographs I have stored on my hard-drive. It just takes so long! I've done the usual delete the ex's, delete the ugly photos, delete the blurry photos etc. Today I noticed a different type of category that I just would never delete. It's probably the most painful of all. Although still not something I will ever delete.

Today I noticed just how many photographs I have of everyone else's baby's. I have hundreds. Each with a memory tightly attached. A memory that makes me smile, but also bringing tears to my eyes.

These precious moments are something we take for granted. Each snap we take of those smiling faces with their sparkling eyes. We just don't realise how precious they really are. It is typical of us humans. We never appreciate what we have until it is gone.

My albums are full of these bouncing bundles of joy. I love each one of them so much. But with that love comes sadness. The sadness that those little bundles will never be my own. I'm not even sure I will ever know what that love feels like.

I've always wanted to be a mother. When I say always, I mean since I was a young girl myself, before I'd even hit high school. I thrived at my local dance school when having to lead the little ones around and take care of them. I always baby sat for my parents friends when they were having a night out. I always wanted to know what it was like to be a mother. I've tried to ignore it and change what I want, but there is no escaping it.

After staring at all these photographs today, feeling like a nutter because I'm completely smitten with other people's children, I vowed to do something's some other adults around simply don't do. If I am ever to be truly blessed, I vow to never take my children for granted. I vow to love them no matter what. I vow to never put them down. Especially in public. I vow never to take my personal anger out on them. I vow to be the best that I can be for their sake. I vow to be theirs 100% of the time.

Anything can be taken from us at any God given moment. Remember this next time you feel angry toward someone. Even if you barely know them. You may just regret that anger. Sooner than you realise.

Love and light xo

A Normal Day

• Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life.

• Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party......

• Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything.

• Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly.

• Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

• Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening.

• Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my babies ages. And then thinking of the ages they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

• Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

• Normal is telling the story of your loss as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

• Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.

• Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.

• Normal is making sure that others remember them.

• Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

• Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but losing your own child first is unnatural. 

• Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

• Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

• Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someones loved one.

• Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child.

• Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

• Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer all over the world, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

• Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother.

• Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

• Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

• Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

• And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

• This "normal" is torture.

http://OurAngelBaby.org/ 

The Introduction

So here I am being brave and all. The time has come to let out my true emotions. Why on here? Well, we all hate "those" Facebook friends who constantly whinge and bitch about everything in their life, never have anything positive to say on their updates etc. So I decided this may be an easier way to "vent" and "rant". Maybe even a more positive way also. I might even gain a few "followers" who can relate to what I am thinking and saying.

So what am I here to whinge and moan about? Same as most other people I think. Life in general. But my biggest gripe with the world is something quite deep. Something quite sad. Something a lot of people just will not understand. And I hope they never have to understand it.

What I am referring to is the loss of a child. Now I may not have met any of my children, but I have felt them, and I knew they were there. So did everyone else who was close to me. But only I can feel the empty space that is left, now that they're gone.

Over time, I will share some blogs that I'd written and kept private, which are from the time when I lost my third child. They might scare some of you, they may sadden some of you, even anger some. But I'd still like to share them, because I know there are other women out there just like me. Women who have lost children and fallen into this very dark place. I want those women to know that they are not alone. The thoughts and feelings they are having are not something to be ashamed of. I want to save a piece of your sanity.

I am going to be brutally honest with my emotions here. If anything I say offends, I am truly sorry. I just need to tell it how it is through my eyes.

I am here to heal myself, first and foremost. I just hope that I can help someone in some way whilst I am at it.

Love and light xo