Happy Birthday Aurora

Today was meant to be my big girls 3rd birthday. I lost her before the 12wk mark, just like the other two. I didn't want to get out of bed. It took me until 11:30am to drag myself out of the bedroom. I didn't shower. I didn't change my clothes. I didn't do anything. Literally. I sat on the lounge and sulked all day.

I'm tired of waiting for something to go right. I'm tired of being the only one that cares. Why can't I have what I want so badly?

Each day that passes I can feel myself becoming more and more angry with the world I am currently living in. Not being a part of the TTC club is making life even harder. Being with someone who isn't really focused on the same things in life is just sending me insane.

Is it right of me to hate him? I feel it bubbling under the surface more and more. Why promise me something that you know I want so dearly and then not even try to fulfil that want?

To not even mention my little girls birthday to me? To not even say anything when it was the others' birthdays?

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be with the three of them under a tree in the prettiest park ever, eating cake and giggling away. Just the four of us.

Right now in my life, it's just me. I'm in this alone and must walk it alone. No little hands to hold. No snotty noses to wipe and no dirty bums to change.

Just me.

Happy birthday in heaven Aurora. I'm sorry I wasn't happier for you today. I love you.