After I lost Josiah, I felt as if I just couldn't carry on anymore. He was my third consecutive loss. He sits in heaven with his older sisters, watching their mummy. I wanted to be in heaven with them. I simply wanted to be dead.
During this time, I had a very close girlfriend. She was also pregnant and about three months ahead of me. After the birth of her first born, I did what I could to help her recover from Post Natal Depression. She had tried to cheer me up via text messages a few times immediately after I lost Josiah. Unfortunately that wasn't enough. She asked me to go shopping with her, so I accepted, knowing she'd have a tummy, and also a one year old in tow. I knew it would be hard, but I knew it was wrong to avoid her. She was one of my closest friends, after all.
Off we set on the shopping trip, we walked around aimlessly, had a bite to eat, and I fussed over her one year old, as I always did. "I need to go to Target, do you mind?" she asks, "Of course I don't mind!", and off we set.
This would end our friendship.
I was subjected to the baby section. She shopped for the unborn baby, and also for the little one, talking about the things she already had, but the want to buy so much more. Up and down, up and down. The whole time feeling like I was about to faint. My blood boiled, I wanted to scream. I had a knot the size of an apple in my stomach, I had to hold back the urge to vomit. It seemed to last a lifetime, in reality, it was probably only 20mins or so. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I basically ran to the car.
Over the next week, this whole experience played over and over in my head. How could I bring this up with her without sounding like a bitch? How could I get my point across without hurting or upsetting her? So exactly a week later, I sent her a very long text message. I pointed out I knew she hadn't meant to hurt me, but maybe next time we can do something not baby related. I explained how hard it was for me to cope. I told her I loved her and I didn't want her to feel bad.
Twenty minutes passed, and I'd had no reply. I figured she was processing it. I jumped on Facebook and there was her status from two minutes ago: "Mother of all bitches". I lost it. How dare you update your status but not bother to return a message to me!! I left it another two hours in the hope that she would send me a message in return. Nothing. NOTHING! So that is when I told her to not bother again.
Eight months later, she apologised. Eight months. I politely told her it was too late, the same message would have healed all things eight months ago. She told me she was always there for me. Funny that, you weren't!
When someone in your life is going through a traumatic time, please do not leave them in the dark. If they tell you they're ok, don't believe them. Send them a letter. Flowers. A hand made card. Anything small that is from the heart is better than running away from them.
If you run from someone, don't expect them to forgive you. The damage can be repaired within a moment if you choose so. All it takes is a hug, or the word sorry. As human beings we can be quite forgiving.
Some will never understand what it is like to flush their baby down the toilet. Some will never have their dreams of a family smashed into pieces.
This is why I forgive her and set her free.
Love & Light xo
Tears in my eyes reading this,so sorry for your loss big hugs go out to you x
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