My first surgery was before I was even 12 months old. I don't remember it of course, but my parents certainly do. I've never been afraid of doctors, hospitals or needles. I've become desensitised to it in a way. I do hate having to go to those places or people though. Not because of the physical pain, it's the emotional and mental pain you go through each time.
What will they find this time? What will they miss? Will I even get a straight answer for once? Probably not. I know I'll walk out angry and disappointed, with no sense of feeling closer to a solution.
I'd love to say "I've had enough", but that would be a lie. If I'd had enough, I'd be on my death bed, and I'm far from dead or dying. What I have had enough of though is not being able to make peace with my health issues and just accept them the way they are. Is it ok to make peace with this? Or do I keep on fighting and fighting until I am in that grave?
What I haven't had enough of is waking up every day. I know most days are going to be a struggle to fit 3 meals into my mouth. I will keep trying to fit them in though. Why do I tell myself I have to try? Because I'm human. We live on hope. Hope that today will be better. Hope that tomorrow will be better if today doesn't turn out to be.
My parents didn't give up hope on me when the doctors diagnosed me at their 12 week ultrasound. My parents will never give up on me. Every time I have a whinge about how sick and tired I am, I'm sure it breaks their hearts, but they still carry on and hold me up in whatever way they can.
They have seen their child in unbearable pain. They had to hold her down on tables while doctors hurt her. They had to kiss me goodbye and watch me wheeled away into surgery more than 12 times now. They will never stop hoping.
My parents have given me a gift. The gift of hope. I know in my heart that if God gave me the gift of a rainbow child, I would pass the same gift on with every ounce of my being. I do not believe that a sick baby should be sent to Heaven. I believe that that baby should be given every chance to breathe, just how my parents gave me the chance to breathe.
No matter what happens to my unborn children, I will never take that chance of life away from them. I don't care what is "wrong" with my children. They deserve every thing I have ever been given. They deserve to be loved and held just as I have been.
And one day, they will thank me, just as I am thanking my parents and God, for not giving up on them.
Love & Light xo
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